♥Eternal Love.
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dear mr & mrs bloggie…
I grew up surrounded by love. Still am, truth be told. Mother pampers me to no end and family gives in to my every wimp and fancy.
I had a boyfriend once (Note: Juls) who had to listen to my constant whinings and had to lie sometimes because it was the only thing to prevent his ears from being pulled or boxed. Four years of being told off by me, and another year putting up with.
Twenty-three years of my life, I thought it was normal to get what I wanted. I won in most cases and everyone seemed to be accommodating to my needs, i.e attention. I threw a tantrum better than Paris threw her own birthday bash.
So one day, I got single. I dated a few of the male species and as fate has it, the crave for constant attention raised tenfold. I became so self-absorbed I no more wanted a boyfriend, just a butler to cater to my feelings.
I met some great guys but I ran away because what they were able to give was not enough. Maybe they gave up, or perhaps they did want to try to work things out but I was not there long enough to witness their effort, or lack thereof.
One after another guys come and go, existed and disappeared. Day after day, I asked myelf, what is it that makes me truly happy, really whole? I did not even know myself anymore. It was as if my alter ego had taken over and I realized it did me more damage than good.
Don’t get me wrong, my family and loved ones still love me and that’s all it matters but like every girl, I too yearn for my special someone. (The term THE ONE is still a taboo for me, honest to God it scares me even)
And it would not help if I was just going to be a bitch to every guy that walked into my life. Why I am so emotionally retarded when I am educated enough to know that I hurt one too many people with my silly and selfish actions/words is one I do not wish to acknowledge.
I heard an epiphany knock my door when one particular guy told me in my face that despite my good intentions, they were all clouded by my need to be constantly right, to always win. No guy would nor could survive that, not in the long run at least. They’d suffer unless I do something about it; me.
I left when I recognized the fear. I could sense it a mile away. Not from him, but well....me. I could not win. I simply could not. This time, it would not go my way. I had to leave. I admitted defeat before the war even started.
It hurt more than usual, because well, after so long, I cried. I cried because. Urgh, just because. I miss him already. I nearly lost a friend.
I need to change. For whatever reason, I have to. Albeit a boon all this time, a burden now it would ever be. I saw it with my own eyes. It is happening as we speak.
The irony of it all is despite this big mission to change for the better, I am still back to square one. Dating around with god-knows-who(s).
But I shall strive to be better. I shall say sorry and give in on cue. My fate wants it no other way. mr & mrs bloggie, do wish me luck.
May God have mercy on this lost lil soul here.
Till then.
cinta
fasyalbaLabels: i feel shitty.
