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dear mr & mrs bloggie…
I felt loneliness today. And I wouldn’t put it literally, since I was surrounded by countless people yet sitting there with a Shirley Temple in my hand with the loud music playing rather loudly behind, it’s safe to say albeit, emptiness engulfed me in such a painful manner.
Backtrack: See, I write happy entries when I am happy but what my readers fall short to see is what happens in between my happy moments- pen them I did not.
This shall be the time.
I blamed PMS these past few weeks for my sudden mood swings and truth be told, an iota of that was one of many reasons. But after reading it up for quite a bit, it’s pretty plain to see that I was depressed. After all, a PMS can only last so long.
I stayed home whenever I was in Singapore and socializing seemed inept at that point of time. Not to mention, sobbing I did for that’s the only way to keep the sanity in check. But in silence I cried. It was my solace. No one needed to know.
That guy who shall not be named was the root of it all, so there. A surprise look at this point is unnecessary, I gather? Honest to God, I’ll be fine, I hope- I have faith, or what’s left of it.
Tonight the date and I decided to hang out at Clarke Quay and well, to catch up mostly. It was awhile since we last had a date, or I had a date at that (because I was gung ho on getting back with you-all-know-who then. Ho well.)
It was nice to be appreciated once more and I thought that day was bliss. It didn’t last long of course for moments later I broke down a lil. All you need is a simple SMS to cry, really. It broke my heart.
All these times, I was always supportive of my loved ones. Ready for a fight, anytime, because that’s what love do. I didn’t care if they’re right or wrong; the main thing was to be there for them. It was only human. At this point, I can confidently say I have strangers as enemies yet I don’t give a hoot about it. Why? All because of loyalty to the loved one, such a beautiful passion it is.
But tonight I was truly disappointed; I can’t even marshal my thoughts into words.
I lost some loved ones along the way. I did favors; bought things overseas for them (hoping they’d return the favor by paying me back. Those things has labels, mind you) loaned money and my things (a friend in need is a friend indeed? With those money I could buy me a Chanel bag) only to have them slowly drift away from my life. I kept quiet. Hurt I was but good riddance to that lot I dare to say.
Even so, it didn’t hurt as bad as a betrayal. There you were, up to fight tooth and nail, another loved one of yours failed to do the same. It was a truly sad moment for me.
I was glad the date was there to be a listening ear. Ironically, Cuz Kat and Aunt Ana’s presence too helped a lot that night. Cousin listened to what I have to say and Aunt Ana boosted my morale. Who would have thought?
Still, I couldn’t push away the seething anger plaguing in my mind. I tried to talk, laugh and be merry with ‘em lot last night yet my heart couldn’t follow suit. The date and I left soon after.
And here I am, desperately needing to put this torrent of words in my blog with the hopes that I’d feel better. No such luck.
I just pray that I still stay loyal to my loved ones because that’s what I’m good at. Is it worth it? I'll let God decide. I forgive but I never, never forget.
Let this entry be my witness.
cinta
fasyalba
