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Wednesday, September 16, 2009
dear mr & mrs bloggie…
I like things the way they are. I don’t like changes. Not to say, I condemn such, mind you, but the idea of altering your life (for better or for worst, who’s to say) is a huge step. Like stepping out of your comfort zone, we all know how frightening it can be in the real world.
My biggest fear when I got the job I’m holding now was I would change. I was afraid I’d turn arrogant, snobbish or even fake, to name a few. Because face it, my job has been, from the beginning, perceived as those mentioned above.
I spend money like water. I dress up a lil too much (or so it seems to others). I put fake lashes on. Oh, the best yet; I broke off from a 4-year old relationship just like that. Now aren’t all those good enough reasons why one would think I’ve changed?
So I went in denial. I blamed myself for changing. I hated myself for being that superficial bitch everyone thought me as. My self-esteem got lower. I felt more alone. I wanted to hurt myself even more. It went on as a cycle.
It didn’t dawn on me until recently that I was depressed for naught. That I was being so hard of myself, I didn’t realize I haven’t changed much. And the lovely part was, it was my sister-in-law who had helped me see just that.
I told her everything. I told her what others said about me. I even let her know that that Juls might have mentioned me as an SPG, as if not wanting me back wasn’t bad enough. I was so insulted. I mean, the stories I’ve heard, he wasted his time with girls worst than SPGs so why was he calling me such? It just knots my stomach to even think of it.
She was flabbergasted, to say the least. If only they’d see you now at home, with the same Jack Daniel's oversized T-shirt you have on for days and your shorts and your tak-mandi face. The girl who never ever cleans her room and laughs at everything. You are always a spoilt brat. And you’re the only one I know who wears her bra with the straps tangled up.
She continued… They have every reason to say you’ve changed if you dumped Fly for a richer smarter guy but face it, the guys you went out with after him weren’t any better. They’re all like Fly! How can you be an SPG?! You dated more mats lagi ade lah! You and him are not fated. Tell them all to grow up. So what, you have money now. You don’t need to start saving first. You’re still young. You’re single. It’s ok to pamper yourself. They're just.... Let the rest not be placed here.
Needless to say, after pointing out all my negative points (-_-), I actually felt better. It was as if a weight has been lifted off my chest.
Perhaps all I needed was someone to believe in me. To tell me, even though you travel all around the world, you have stayed grounded. And only the very people who know me saw this. Maybe I am a good girl. That same good girl.
I just hope the rest of the world understands.
cinta
fasyalba Labels: i feel crappy.
