♥Eternal Love.
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dear Ferdaus,
I have avoided this subject for far too long now. I was too tired to pen the words and past memories had managed to conjure new pain. But being in denial definitely played the biggest role. I didn’t know I could be such a bitch until I met you. Wait, that didn’t sound right. I was always a bitch. Allow me to correct that. I didn’t know I could be a heartbreaker until I met you. No inkling, not an iota trust me, hurting you was the last thing on my mind. I was not used to having a guy dote on me so much that it made me realize that a guy sweet like you couldn’t possibly be chasing a girl like me- You, so proper and well-mannered, like a placid purity of an angel and I, just another vulgar girl making her way in this world. Yet, you did. You wanted me, knowing my “reputation” and all. Even when your friend spread vicious rumors about me, I swear not one bit was true, you desired me. I asked HIM what did I do to deserve you and why did I let you go, knowing you were everything every girl could ever wished for. I was the ultimate fool, the biggest loser. I couldn’t lie to you, see. I couldn’t pretend to act normal when even YOU know my heart was always torn into two. Knowing from scratch I love both you and him, the ex. Yes, he existed then he definitely existed now. I couldn’t feign hatred for a guy who’s my bestfriend. I needed him as much as I needed you. I couldn’t fulfill your wish when you asked me to forget him. I thought I could but no. In a flash, I made up my mind. This was a no-lose situation. Not a win-win, too. In all honesty this deemed fit as a "no-lose-further" situation. I have already lost. I chose neither. We can never be happy my love, for as long as I am this confused, what we have and had is a make-believe manifestation of love. Detrimental one might consider. I wish I could be the girl you left behind when you made your way to Taiwan. But that girl died when she realized her true feelings. The girl disappeared as the weeks went by. I guess the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” showed its true significant meaning now. After all, you were heaven sent yet I let you go. Don’t ask me for the reason again because even mere strangers can explain to you now, in a heartbeat, why.
Should you read my entries in the near future and there I would be pouring my sorrows out in this blog, I beg you, I plead to you, do gloat and laugh at me. Not only do I deserve such treatment, it’s only fair. I’m sorry D. I truly am. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I was the stupid blind one. Believe me, if we have met years back, perhaps things would be different. But then again, I guess you wouldn’t even give me a second glance. Let’s not begin to ponder such ridicule. Be happy Ferdaus. You are a good man.
p/s: And please accept the birthday gift(s). Once again, Happy Belated Birthday you. ILY.
Farah
