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Saturday, July 18, 2009

(63) ILY

dear mr & mrs bloggie….

It has been a year since MJ, or should I say Juls, (the same old bugger himself) and I broke up. We’ve been dating around, misbehaving, toying with people’s feelings only to realize we cannot live without each other. Revolting, I agree. That's the way we work.

I heard stories about him that would make my bile freeze and I reckon my soap opera drama was none the wiser. I wouldn’t say I’m proud per se but hey, tit for tat.

Because I wanted a clean start, (one year is enough for me to misbehave, aye?) I decided I ought to quit this game and settle down. Also, both his family and mine were rooting for us to get back together. Aha, problem solved there.

Bare in mind now I have or tried real hard to dismiss the guys in my life for that twit. Still skeptic over the idea of another commitment, I pushed all negative thoughts aside to be with him. Fragile as the heart might seem, I opened it up again all in the name of the 4-bloody letter word. Yea, we even discussed about marriage. Surprise surprise.

So how come suddenly he tells me out of nowhere that it is over between us? That he is insecure of our status?! Why would my salary be an issue now, a barrier so to speak? I thought of all people, he’d be the one whooping for joy. Bullocks.

He had seen me when I was at my best, and certainly at my very worst. Back when I was a student, so broke and poor were we that we had to share money for a pack of cigarettes, yea sometimes we shared a packet of beehoon too.

I remembered when I first got to know him, he wanted to sell his handphone to bring me watch ‘Catwoman’. I had a boyfriend then mind you. If not for my nephew, Bani, (his good friend by the way) I wouldn’t know. I dunno bout you guys, but sod it, the thought of him sacrificing his high tech hp had me like melted butter. Shame on me.

We had saved every cent to buy expensive gifts for one another. Gucci became our obsession then. He bought me the bag, I got him that effing overpriced pair of shoes. And the lil gadgets in between. I was supporting myself with school and he was in NS hey. But we were too over the moon to care. Everything I do, I do it for you.

He gave me money, when I first started my career in this line, so I could buy my make-up stuff because I only had enough money for transport. He told me not to give up and to do well. “You must soar ok Kuku…”

He quit soccer for that period of time because I persuaded him to get a diploma. He did it more for me than anything else. I am still so proud of him, I can't even parse it to a syllable. And true to his character, he is now taking his car license to impress me fat me.

But all this time what he failed to see was I loved him for loving me, and being there for me when no one would. It was not the gifts that made me stick to him, it was the pain he went through to get me what I wanted. Come on, he worked in Banquet to sell kuih that paid him $3.50 per hour so he could buy me a S$1.2k bag. You do the math.

I’m telling you now mr & mrs bloggie, writing it out here just doesn’t come close to the mark, but I hope that you would at least have an idea.

I needed a year break to see what I wanted in life and you know what, he was there right in front of me. It’s just a shame both of us are love juveniles, we ended up cheating on each other. Over and over and over again. Sick bastards, we.

So please, for the love of sanity, can somebody shoot us already?

I am not rich Zulkifly Kamal, neither am I that high-maintenance a woman. I still am the grumpy, insecure girl who stamps her feet to get you to listen to her. That annoying girl you fell in love with, ya, I'm here. Present. Just that this time, that ignorant girl has extra money in her account. And you always make me happy, more oft than not. Don't doubt us please. Let money come and go. I rather be poor with you, than be rich with someone else. Like you said all these years…. “ Don’t care about the weather, as long as we’re together.” Remember or not Juls?

I can take rejection the same as the next girl so I guess if we're not meant to be, we're just not meant to be. Nevertheless, I still love you, then and now. Nothing can change that fact Mr Juls. Gwen sang it herself, "After all that we've been through, I know we're cool..."

My love would demand no less.

I love you bodoh.

cinta
fasyalba

Labels: i feel unloved.